she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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