I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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