Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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