her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
