How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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