I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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