so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
