come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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