just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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