I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
