Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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