you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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