I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
