There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
