my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
