I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
