She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
you never un-have a 4some
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
