I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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