My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
