Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
