About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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