I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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