Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
