I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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