sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
