My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize