Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
