"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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