I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
