How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
