how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
