i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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