Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
