i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
