I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
