awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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