His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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