apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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