Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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