Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
