Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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