The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
