Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have fence marks all over my body
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
