The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
