Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
