i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
