y did u give ur computer a hand job?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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