An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
