So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
