Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
