This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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