God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize