I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
