his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
