the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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