so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
