My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
