my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
