so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
